This Buttermilk Ranch Dressing Is Trader Joe’s New Gem

By Alex Beggs

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Chocolates that look like doughnuts. Spicy hummus. A resplendent new ranch dressing. Trader Joe's is on top of the world right now with new snacks and staples. Especially if fried cheese curds are your kind of staple. This month I was reminded why I have an unhealthy devotion to Trader Joe's when I went to Aldi, a store owned by the same German company, for the first time and was underwhelmed. The packaging didn't hold a candle to the kooky illustrations at TJ's, where even the barcodes are having a party (keep your eyes peeled). This month's reviews are happily herewith.

Garlicky Pasta I had a scant half cereal bowl of this pasta, which is supposed to serve three but barely serves one. It does get restaurant-glossy when reheated with water on the stove, but it's a one-note show, and that note is garlic. I added scallions like the package suggests, but it was overkill since there are already scallion specks in the sauce. If you buy this, I’d cook some mushrooms or kale on the side to make it more of a balanced meal. Red pepper flakes: a must.

Squiggly Knife-Cut-Style Noodles These dao xiao mian–inspired instant noodles sell out fast at my Trader Joe's, which is crawling with college kids. But I finally got my grip on them and even if the watery soy-sesame sauce leaves something to be desired, it's an easy base to build on. The ruffled noodles hold their shape and cook in four minutes, during which time I chopped up some cucumber, red peppers, and scallions. Then I cracked an egg yolk in the sauced noodles because I’m the girl boss of my own destiny (read that on a pillow once). If you have the ingredients, I recommend whipping up Hetty Lui McKinnon's peanut butter sauce to make this 1,000,000 times better, using the soy-sesame sauce in place of the soy and vinegar in hers.

Buttermilk RanchWhen you work in food media too long, you internalize things like: Store-bought dressing? Never! It's so easy to make at home! Yeah, well, sometimes I don't want to lift a finger (more than the three it takes to pry open my fridge). This ranch is so perfectly dilly, creamy, and garlicky that I’ll probably buy it every time I go to Trader Joe's from the now into the hereafter. That's right, I’m buying ranch in the afterlife.

Avocado MashThis is puréed avocado and salt that's kept green by lemon juice and efficient vacuum sealing. However, there's so much lemon that the mash is distinctly tangy, and in T-minus 45 seconds that mash turns into the green-brown color of a creature from the Black Lagoon. It's gone slimy in the back of my fridge.

Chili Crunch HummusI don't love TJ's Chili Crunch on its own—the dehydrated onion and garlic aren't as tasty as those ingredients freshly fried in oil—but on this hummus it's working for me. Moderately spicy and occasionally crunchy, I ate half the tub for lunch with leftover grilled lamb and broccoli.

Madagascar Vanilla Bean Crème FraîcheSpeckled and lovely, tastes like frosting. I dolloped some of this sweetened crème fraîche in a little bowl, topped with strawberries, and felt like one of those domestic goddesses you don't hear about so much anymore.

Organic Mafalda Corta PastaFrilly pasta that looks like miniature lasagna noodles. Made pesto pasta salad with it. Life's good.

Plant-Based Fish Fillets Shreddy jackfruit, mushrooms, and potato bulk up these faux fillets. Fillet-o-faux. And I love them dearly. The rice flour coating gets so crispy in the air fryer, and the jackfruit really flakes like fish—my partner even said, "How’d they make fake fish bones?" It's a few notches away from being a giant tater tot and while it's mostly flavor-neutral, it's a friend of ketchup, spicy mayo sandwiches, and I’ve even plopped it in a salad. Bought two boxes.

Tikka Masala Curry SauceThe cashier was psyched about this sauce, which got me psyched, because that's how happiness works. The sauce uses typical tikka masala aromatics and spices (garlic, ginger, cumin, coriander, etc.) but subs ground watermelon seeds in place of dairy, which makes it thick and filling. I loved it with sautéed shrimp for a five-minute meal.

Spicy Tempura Seaweed SnackAre these our beloved Nora seaweed snacks? Who's to say! (TJ's vendors sign NDAs.) They’re an extra-crunchy fried seaweed chip that coats my fingers with oil, my tongue with spice, and my keyboard with crumbs. Best with a crisp beer or fountain Coke.

Mini (Almost) Everything but the Bagel CrackersThis is the snack we’ve been waiting all year for. Inspired and silly. Remember Ritz Bits? I’d trade an entire lunch for a bag of those fakey-cheesy, buttery crackers. These are like those, but we’ve got mini everything spice "bagels" as the outer cracker and some kind of cream cheese filling. I have no idea why the name says "almost"—what are we missing here? Everything you need is in this box.

Mee Krob SnackersBased on the Thai noodle dish, these are centimeter-thick squares of fried rice noodles with garlic, shallots, and cashews seasoned by a tangy tamarind-chile sauce. Sweet-leaning, extra crunchy, maybe too crunchy. I almost needed the square to be half as thick to eat more than a few, which began to feel like eating giant Legos.

S’mores Clusters Absolute genius. This is like if the Mallomar factory exploded and all of those giant goobers became bite-sized and better proportioned. There's just enough marshmallow, then a crunch of sandy graham cracker, and a serviceable milk chocolate coating.

Enchanted JangleI wasn't a fan of the Springle Jangle but this silly Enchanted Jangle candy mix has me by the unicorn horn. I was especially enchanted by the mini marshmallows coated in pink frosting and sprinkles. Innovation! They reminded me of Lucky Charms. The lemon-covered animal cookies I could take or leave.

Donut Shaped Chocolate TrufflesThis is why I shop at Trader Joe's. My Simpsons radar went off when I saw these doughnut-shaped chocolate truffles, which exist for fun and games. The dark and milk chocolate truffles are your usual gooey-centered stuff, but the white chocolate doughnuts were my favorite. They’ve got speculoos crunchies inside, and just look at them!

Belgian Cookie AssortmentThere's a category of cookies at Trader Joe's that I imagine people pick up for funerals, or other bleak occasions, where tables are thoughtlessly strewn with snacks anyone will eat because they’re blinded by grief. These fall under that umbrella. The waffle cookies are the best, the strawberry-studded ones the worst.

Sfogliatella Pastry Like the low-key delicacy eggplant sfogliatella from last fall, these layered seashell dessert pastries are shatteringly crisp, with a hint-o-orange ricotta filling. I baked them for 45 minutes while playing Everdell (I’m begging you, get this game) with friends and everyone was surprised to love them, while I handed out napkins for our greasy fingers.

Milk Chocolate Bar With Corn Flakes Reminds me of Ritter Sport bars, which are a grade-A candy bar. How the corn flake crumbs stay so crisp in their milk chocolate tomb is a mystery for the ages.

Ube PretzelsThis has been raved about on the Trader Joe's fan accounts and blogs, and I get it. Here, pretzels get a thrilling frosted coating—all purple and cute—thanks to ube, the Philippines-native tuber. It has that earthy coconut-vanilla thing going on, but I can only eat six or so before I need to alternate to something salty.

Ube Joe-Joe'sI feel like I’m reviewing a new flavor of these coated Joe-Joe's every damn month. The vanilla Oreo-like cookies have an intensely sweet ube-flavored coating. I love the first bite, but then I’m overwhelmed with sugar. I would be happy with ube-filled Joe-Joe's! That would be enough. But at Trader Joe's, enough is never enough.

Cold Brew Iced Tea BagsThis is blah black tea with added lemon oils that cover the tea's grossness. Respect. Use two bags per cup of iced tea for the most flavorful results, or splurge on some nicer tea. You deserve it.

Oat Beverage Unsweetened VanillaThe "natural" vanilla flavor here is intensely fake, and it gave my cup of black tea a cereal milk flavor that wasn't working for me. Save for smoothies.

Breaded Cheddar Cheese CurdsExquisitely engineered in every way, these are plain ol’ cheese curds for your air-frying pleasure. Toss them in this spice mix for bonus points, or dip in homemade spicy mayo until you begin to feel unwell. That's when you know all is, in fact, well.

Organic Buttery Plant-Based SpreadThis takes me back to my eating-margarine-from-the-tub days, and it tastes pretty similar thanks to the power of butter flavoring. It's a mix of many oils, from canola to palm to sunflower, and I could really taste the nutty sunflower most. If I were vegan, I might be able to tolerate this on toast, or to cook with, but I tend to prefer the buttery richness of avocado-oil-based products m'self.

French Heritage Saint Paulin CheeseThis is a very soft, rubbery cow's milk cheese to spread on things. What things? Not sure, get creative. Crackers?